Globetrottie 

Flashback Wedding

 

11.02.15

 

We got married in 2012. I often asked myself if I would have done anything different. When I'm alone and I reflect on my marriage, there are some parts that crush my heart each time I think about them. We go through life so fast, not a single second to be wasted, and as much as we SAY we reflect, no, we actually don't. We try, but the next interesting thing on facebook often steals our attention- OUR ATTENTION TO OURSELVES. 

 

How many of you have forgotten who you are? Instead, you find yourself defined by your roles. Who are you? I am a daughter, a mother, an accountant, a lawyer, a student etc. So this is me, in my time, reflecting on the wedding that came so fast, before we even understood life itself.

 

1) I wish I were more emotionally prepared.

We planned the wedding, we kind of know the day would come. He proposed, I said yes yada yada, so obviously that day had to come. It all seemed rather romantic then. But there was something nagging in me, like, this is a full commitment- am I seriously ready for it? I ignored that thought. It came back, and I ignored it again. If we were to sit down and discuss this together, maybe we would have chosen to delay the wedding till we both were financially stable. I was the one working full time then. Victor was still in Year 2 in SOC (NUS).

 

No one told us what was expected. No one told us about LIFE. No one said we had to move out once we got married and rent from room to room with no privacy- loitering landlords, always wanting to see how much water or electricity you were using. Many of you had the privilege of staying with your parents rent-free for the first two years of marriage. Not us. We had nothing- absolutely NOTHING. We packed our bags, and we left. I remember feeling so bitter about it, I wrote a letter to my dad (which was never sent), about how society was so unfair. If you are cohabiting with a girlfriend or boyfriend, you are technically unmarried, you get to keep your room in your parents' house. If you decide you want to get married, suddenly so many expectations piled onto you, not to mention parent-pocket-money, which is a whole new chapter in my new book "Obligatory Giving is a Sin"**

 

Singaporean parents don't owe their kids anything but life, and an education. That's it- and it  was a humbling  experience to assume that there would be rent-free privileges at the start of our marriage, and to realise there was not. I'm not complaining. I'm just saying that some of you are so much more fortunate than us with all the resources available to you. 

 

** it is not a real book. lol. 

 

Because of such a situation, VICTOR AND I WERE INDISPENSIBLE TO EACH OTHER. We really needed each other, and that's when we worked as a team. 

 

2) I wish we were more financially prepared.

Victor was studying then and I paid for everything. Yes, everything. Why did I chunk a huge part of my savings then? I believed in US and a God whose words are true. If the Bible says Two is better than One, then it should be true, isn't it? Well, yes. Being together is very much like having a stress buffer around the both of us. If life throws you a stressful task, you feel that you can absorb that impact because your better half is there with you, facing it together.

 

However, as time pass, the fact that there were unequal distribution of labour and financial contribution caused a strain in our relationship. AND I WOULD ALWAYS BRING THIS ISSUE UP. Yes, I can feel your judgemental stares... but try feeling it from my point of view. Almost every girl on Facebook (Yes, the evil of facebook and a competitive spirit), gets a fairytale wedding, and what did I get? I started to lose sight of what was important to us- our relationship.

 

Playing the "I-paid-for-everything" card will almost never get us anywhere. Please don't do it, whether you are the husband or the wife. When two are together, there is definitely sacrifices made for each other, and it is hard to evaluate which sacrifice weighs more. The only reason why monetary sacrifice is more apparent is because it can be counted. I mean, how do you equate "moving out from his parents home" or "cutting short his studies" with dollars and cents? 

 

You know when words said cannot be unsaid? That's how it is. I am aware, so I rarely rarely bring up how the bulk of the financial burden was on me. But when some nights these emotional waves relentlessly play the flashbacks on how much I suffered at the start of my realtor career-  the blisters on my feet, the humiliation I had to face with nasty clients and colleagues (they blow smoke in my face)- it just becomes too much to take. I start to wonder if all that culminated in a wedding, was it really worth it? And those nights I'd just cry and cry myself to sleep- with Victor holding me (provided he is not sound asleep.)

 

It was only one year into the marriage that I found out about Victor's five figure study debt- An unspoken lie, knowing how important it was, he did not mention it before our wedding. I felt betrayed but I paid it off. Well, he was thinking he would pay it off when he started working. Bringing financial baggage into a marriage is the one of the WORST things you can do to your wife! Sigh. 

 

Every relationship has its scars, and I have learnt that marriage means FORGIVENESS, FORGIVENESS and more FORGIVENESS. We are still learning in this journey and I am glad that life in Australia has rekindled our love. 

 

If you are about to get married, do consider about how ready you are to take that plunge. And if you are someone who is self-aware, and you know you are calculative and find it hard to forgive the people around you (i.e. extremely resentful), then think twice about marriage. Many pastors have preached it at the pulpit, and I will just say it again. Marriage is very much about FORGIVENESS. And if you are getting married to buy a HDB, I have no comments. I don't judge because this is a policy flaw. We all need a roof over our heads, and at a certain age where people are mass partnering up to get a HDB, in a moment of panic, two people may collide and say "Hey, I kinda like you. You kinda like me. Let's date for 3 months and get that flat since time is running out- all of our friends have a flat. We can't possibly lose out!" 

 

If you are currently in an estranged marriage, find some time to take a long holiday. It may just save your marriage. I really can't give any better advice, cos I'm only in my 3rd year of marriage. I am learning alongside you as well.

 

Would I have done anything differently? It seems pretty futile to think about it. What matters is that we are happy now, and we will just keep creating more positive memories for the future, and that, it takes two hands to clap.